


Deep underwater

by Quietshade



Category: Daredevil (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 17:56:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20393794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quietshade/pseuds/Quietshade
Summary: Foggy struggles with his nightmares months after Fisk is sent back to prison.Part of the Daredevil exchange 2019





	Deep underwater

**Author's Note:**

  * For [enthusiasmgirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/enthusiasmgirl/gifts).

> This is my entry for the Daredevil bingo "hiding an injury/illness" square.

Foggy had thought that things would get better once the dust from Fisk had settled. Things were great with Marci, even if he hadn't yet summoned the courage to propose again. Theo was handling the shop just fine by himself. Nelson, Murdock & Page had a strong start, and their friendship was slowly healing itself back to normalcy. It was everything he'd dreamed of and wanted since their fallout, and yet nothing had improved for Foggy. No… if anything things were worse now that he didn't have Fisk to distract him.

Instead of stopping, his nightmares and anxiety had doubled since Fisk went back to jail. It didn't matter that Matt was back. He no longer dreamed of rubble and bodies too disfigured to identify. His nightmares now had voices and faces that haunted Foggy for hours after they were gone. They were more personal and violent, taking not after the what-ifs and maybes but using memories that were better off forgotten.

Foggy was tired.

He was reaching rock bottom, and he didn't know how to swim back to the surface.

Another person could've asked for help, but that was never an option for Foggy. His problems were rooted in things he couldn't share. He could never explain the whats and whys of his nightmares without betraying Matt's secret. His trust. His safety. Foggy would never do that to him, but that meant there were only two people with whom he could share his problem.

Matt and Karen.

The idea of asking either of them for help made him sick for very different reasons.

Matt had enough drama in his life already. Not to mention that he would blame himself for Foggy's trauma. Foggy didn't want to make things harder for Matt. Especially not when he still had shadows under his eyes, and looked uncertain of where he fit with everything and everyone.

Karen was a completely different situation. She was, in Foggy's mind, more approachable and more likely to be of help. She'd lived through so much horror, more than Foggy might ever will, and she still came out on top of it. Foggy admired her iron will, but it made him feel weak in comparison. If Karen could make it out sane after her brother's death, Wesley's kidnapping, and the church attack, then he could deal with his nightmares.

Except he couldn't.

And that was the problem. He was ashamed that he couldn't be as strong as Matt and Karen.

\--

Foggy woke up in a jolt, sitting upright at once. His eyes wide open in the dark, and breathing hard enough to make his chest hurt. He was drenched in sweat, his hair sticking to his forehead. A shiver ran through his spine and he rubbed his face, as if that would get rid of the images.

Marci shifted at his side. Her eyes found his silhouette in the dark, and she blinked confused. "Foggy Bear?" she asked in a sleep laced voice.

Foggy swallowed and removed his hands from his face. He did his best to give her a smile, and rubbed her arm softly. "Sorry, babe. Go back to sleep."

Of course Marci didn't listen, instead she turned to her side and gave him a worried look. "Was it another nightmare?"

There was a lie on the tip of his tongue, but he swallowed it. He felt guilty enough about the lies he HAD to tell her that he didn't want to lie about what he didn't have to. He nodded reluctantly.

"What was it about?"

He shrugged, and the lie left his mouth easily this time. "I don't remember."

He did remember the dream. How couldn't him? The image of Matt being beaten to a pulp by the fake Daredevil was too much to forget. But as usual, he couldn't explain to her the significance of those dreams. It was better this way.

She ran a careful hand through his sweaty hair. "You really need to see someone. This isn't healthy, Franklin."

"It's just the stress. I'll be fine once we settle into the new office," he lied, and kissed her forehead. "Go back to sleep. I'll get a glass of water and join you soon."

He knew she didn't believe him by the way her lips pressed together and her eyebrows creased. And just like usual, she let him be, choosing to lay back down to rest. She was right, this wasn't healthy. And he didn't just mean his problem. Lies were what had ripped apart his small family during Frank's trial. How long could he afford to lie the same way to Marci before they too were torn by it?

But the sad truth was that between keeping Matt safe and being with Marci, as much as he loved her, he would always choose Matt's safety.

\--

"Morning, sunshine," Karen said cheerfully, pressing a warm cup against his cheek. Foggy blinked tiredly and groaned when he sat upright. He'd come early to the office, not quite able to go back to sleep after his nightmare. "Rough night?"

"Something like that," he replied, accepting the cup. He took his time to smell the coffee before sipping it. "Hmmm, I love when you buy coffee." He smiled against the cup. "So much better than when you make it."

"Careful Nelson, you're this close to dropping from the coffee list," Karen said, giving him a playful glare. "And I don't hear Matt complaining about it."

Foggy had to bite his tongue to stop himself from saying the first thing that came to his mind. He was ninety percent sure Matt only drank Karen's coffee because he was afraid to tell her how bad it was. The guy did have a thing for martyrdom, and a lot more to lose than Foggy. "Matt just doesn't appreciate good coffee."

"Well, from now on I'll only get coffee for him."

Foggy couldn't help smirking when he said "I bet." Which earned him an eraser to the forehead.

It was harder to keep the smile after Karen had left his office. The uneasiness of his nightmare still clung to him, but he had important work waiting.

The words on his brief blurred together when he tried to concentrate, and he felt anxiety building knots in his stomach. That wouldn't do. He rubbed his face. He needed to put himself together before Matt got there. He had gone through many sleepless nights before, there was no reason for him to be this tired.

And yet, despite his best efforts, his eyes kept shutting down.

He saw hell.

An endless crimson sea surrounded him, together with the corpses that gave birth to it. Their vacant eyes stared at him in muted judgement. Foggy swallowed and looked around for an exit, but there was only death as far as his eyes could see. He froze when he found among those of strangers a pair of familiar eyes.

Red pearls traveled Marci's pale cheeks while her blue lips moved to form silent words. Is this what you wanted? Was he worth it? Foggy shook his head. That wasn't it at all. He just wanted to keep his loved ones safe and happy. To be happy himself. He stepped back trying to run away from Marci's accusatory gaze, but a hand grabbed his leg before he could. He looked down to find Matt's bloodied face staring back.

Why didn't you stop me?

Next thing he knew there was a hand on his shoulder shaking him awake. Foggy took a sharp breath, his head spinning at the abruptness of his movement. He gulped down the urge to puke and looked up at a worried Matt.

"Hey, you okay there?"

He rubbed his eyes, not because he needed to, but because the image of Matt -so soon after his nightmare- made his stomach turn. "Yeah. I didn't sleep much last night, sorry."

"It sounded like you were having a nightmare," Matt said softly.

Foggy gave him a subdued smile, and wondered if Matt already knew, if he was just playing along with Foggy's lies. The thought enraged him. He hated when Matt did that. He didn't want their friendship to pile lies on top of lies. But he couldn't call him out on it anymore than he could tell him the truth.

"Just a small one." He was almost proud of how confident he sounded. It wasn't even a lie. "I'll tell you one thing, Sleeping in the office? Not recommended. We need better furniture."

Karen laughed, coming from behind Matt to drop some files on Foggy's desk. "What will stop you from napping all the time, then?"

"Touché," he admitted before covering a yawn with his hand.

"If I'd known you were this tired I would have gotten you a double shot," Karen said sympathetically.

"Why Miss Page! I thought you were saving your coffee for Matt." Foggy couldn't help himself.

There was something incredibly fun about teasing Karen. Perhap it was the way she looked so awkward and adorable, trying to hide her obvious embarrassment. Perhaps it was the cute way in which Matt tried, and failed, to hide his own smirk. In truth, Foggy just loved how easy it was to forget himself, and the darkness around them, when they joked with each other.

"Did I miss something?" Matt asked, sounding a bit more relaxed.

Karen gave Foggy a daring look, and he knew right then that he'd made a mistake. He was just forming a "NO!" when Karen asked Matt. "Do you hate my coffee?"

Foggy had the feeling that had Matt been drinking anything he would have choked on it. His friend looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Oh my god. You do!" Karen said in disbelief.

"I don't hate it," he refuted quickly.

"But you don't like it," Karen finished for him, crossing her arms over her chest with a small pout.

"I-" the vigilante cocked his head, looking a little like a lost puppy, and finishing with a lame "It could be better."

"Hah, the truth is out," Foggy said. "What now, Karen?"

Karen laughed and touched Matt's shoulder reassuringly.

"Now, I'm looking forward to your coffee. I hope it's better than mine because you won't be hearing the end of-" Karen frowned and leaned forward to get a better look of Matt's back. "Matt, you're bleeding."

"Oh?" he said, frowning before he relaxed. "Oh, I couldn't reach it properly last night."

Foggy's stomach dropped, and he felt another bout of nausea overcome him. He swallowed and forced himself to talk. "That's why we have people to patch you up, buddy."

"Maggie was sleeping, and Claire wasn't home. It's not that bad, really. I figured it could wait some hours."

Karen bit her lower lip and started getting his jacket off. "Turn around."

There was a big stain of red on Matt's white shirt, right between his shoulder blades, and whatever strength Foggy had left him. His mouth dried. His hands started sweating. His whole body tingled, and his stomach jumped and twisted. He tried breathing to calm himself but the air wouldn't reach his lungs. He was having a full blown panic attack and he couldn't stop it.

"We really need to work on your definition of not that bad," Karen complained, making Matt chuckle a little. His smile died almost immediately, and he turned his face to Foggy.

"Shirt off. Let's see just how bad it is," Karen continued, but Matt wasn't listening to her anymore. He had his focus set on his best friend.

"Foggy?" Foggy tried to reply, he really did, but his throat just locked harder. "Wait Karen, Foggy!"

Karen blinked, surprised by the urgency in his voice. She turned to look at their friend. Worry crossed Karen's face as she noticed Foggy looking pale and struggling to breath.

She was kneeling at his side immediately, looking as worried as Matt was. "Foggy, what's wrong?"

He wanted to shake his head, laugh it off, and hope they could all move on with their day, but his body wasn't cooperating. The moment he opened his mouth a sound not unlike a sob left him. Tears of impotence and embarrassment ran down his cheeks, and he wiped them angrily.

Why did he have to be so weak?

The next moment Karen was hugging him, his face pressed against her chest as he wept. Her gentle fingers carded through his hair softly, and he relaxed slowly to the vibration of the words she was sharing with Matt. Words whose sense he couldn't make, half because he couldn't focus, half because he didn't want to. Just thinking about what they could be saying made his throat tighten in panic.

He closed his eyes tightly instead, and focused on the things he actually wanted to feel. Like the sweet scent of Karen's perfume, or the reverberation of Matt's deep voice.

It was some time before he moved away from Karen's chest. His friend let him go without a word and Foggy found himself unwilling to look up. He just wanted to disappear, to combust into nothing. So many weeks of hard work thrown into the trash because of his weakness. It was pathetic that he couldn't even accomplish this much.

A glass of water found its way into his field of vision. Foggy blinked, surprised to see it at first, and took it from Matt's hand with a weak "Thanks" that made him wince in mortification. He finally dared to take a look at his friends while he drank the water.

Matt's expression was as hard to read as always, hidden behind the red glasses Foggy had given him many years ago. Karen on the other hand was an open book. He could read every line of worry and desperation in her face.

Foggy tightened his hold on the glass, suddenly feeling mad at them and himself. Sorry I can't be as strong as you! He wanted to yell. He didn't need their pity. He didn't want them to see him like he felt: weak. But even his rage couldn't find a voice.

Matt was the one to break the silence.

"We should close for the day," he told Karen who nodded immediately.

"No!" Foggy said, one hand stretched out.

"I'm fine," he insisted, standing up from his chair and putting the glass on his desk. "I was just a bit tired and overwhelmed. See, I'm okay. " He gave them the biggest smile he could muster, but it was met with disbelief.

"Foggy…" Karen took his hand and guided him to the sofa at the front office. Matt followed them closely behind. "What's going on? And don't you dare tell me it's nothing."

Foggy swallowed. Even if he wanted to tell them, he didn't know what to say or where to start. There were too many thoughts in his head, all tied together in knots of which he couldn't tell beginning or end. He just grew more and more stressed as the silence prolonged, until he started feeling like he would snap again.

"You haven't been sleeping because of the nightmares, have you?" Matt said softly, almost in a whisper. Karen looked surprised by Matt's words. She turned to Foggy, mouth slightly open as if she was about to say something, but she remained silent when she saw Foggy's expression.

He had his gaze set on Matt, jaw clenched and eyebrows furrowed in anger. Matt had known, and once again he'd chosen to go along with Foggy's lies. "How long have you known?"

Matt put his hands on his hip, and tilted his head forward as if trying to avoid Foggy's eyes. "A couple of weeks. You were murmuring in your sleep."

"Why didn't you say anything then!" he snapped more roughly than he'd intended.

"Foggy…" Karen said in a mixture of surprise and worry. Foggy shook off the hand she had on his shoulder, and stood from the sofa so he could stand by the window.

Matt's guilty expression almost melted his anger, just almost.

He hadn't wanted them to know, and perhaps that had been a foolish endeavor fueled by pride, but it was his issue to deal with. Not that it mattered, it was all a moot point now. What bothered Foggy was that Matt had -once again- chosen to let him suffer in silence instead of extending a hand. They were supposed to be a team. It was one thing to give each other space, another to let a friend suffer alone.

"I-uh, I'll go get lunch," Karen said suddenly. "Are you guys okay with Tacos?"

Matt cleared his throat, and Foggy saw him give Karen a pained smile out of the corner of his eye. "Sounds great, thank you."

Foggy saw her pause at the door, still looking at him with a worried expression. He sighed and turned to her. "Fish tacos for me."

Karen smiled brightly, and then they were alone.

"Sorry," Matt said sheepishly.

"For snooping again or for saying nothing about it?"

"I-I wasn't trying to snoop. I just- I wasn't sure if you would appreciate me asking about it." The shyness in Matt's voice finally made Foggy turn around. Matt had taken off his glasses. He looked so hesitant, eyes half closed in a sad expression.

And that was it.

Foggy always had a hard time keeping his anger against that face.

"You thought I would get mad at you?"

"You didn't seem like you wanted to share, and I know how intrusive I can be." Foggy blushed in embarrassment, recognizing his words back from when he'd first learned about Matt's powers.

He had been so angry, and he hadn't completely understood how Matt's abilities worked back then. He still believed he had a right to be angry about it, but he wished he could take back some of the things he'd said. Especially now that it was obvious they had stuck to Matt. He never meant for his best friend to feel like a freak.

"And I wasn't sure you would want my help anyway. Given all that happened in the last couple of months," Matt finished softly.

"Shit, no. It wasn't like that." Foggy sighed, and felt himself go a bit numb with nervousness. "You guys deal so well with all this, and I haven't even been through half the shit you and Karen have. I guess… I just wanted to prove to myself that I'm strong too." He let out a self-deprecating laugh. "So much for that."

"You're wrong. You think we aren't affected by all this? I'm the one running around in a costume, and Karen-" Matt paused. "She has her own way of dealing with things. We aren't impervious to trauma Foggy. We just handle it differently."

"Matt…" he shook his head

"You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. It was you who kept his cool when Karen and I were drowning during the Fisk incident. He's behind bars mostly thanks to you. Don't ever doubt your strength, or think you have to prove yourself. You already have. Countless times."

Foggy felt his eyes sting with tears, he brought Matt into a bone crushing hug. He didn't know how to voice how he felt, but he could let his friend know just how much his words meant to him. Matt chuckled and patted his back playfully. Foggy swore he heard him whisper a soft "I missed you too" that made his eyes sting even more. This was why he could never stay away from Matt. He might be a pain in the ass and an asshole at times, but he was Foggy's joy too.

"Thanks, buddy." When Foggy stepped back, he noticed that his hands were covered in blood, and his stomach twisted again. He leaned forward, breathing heavily as he tried to control the nausea.

Matt was at his side rubbing his back immediately. "it isn't just nightmares, is it?" He sighed when Foggy shook his head. "Shit, I shouldn't have let Karen leave."

"It's okay," Foggy replied after a moment. "But maybe you should try Maggie now."

"Hmm," Matt hummed, deep in thoughts. "I have an idea."

Foggy frowned at him. "About?"

"You'll see." Matt said with a smirk, patting his back softly. "Come on, go wash your hands, I'll wait for you."

"We're going somewhere? What about Karen?"

"It's alright, I'll let her know."

\--

Foggy didn't know what to say when Matt dragged him to Fogwell's gym, and tossed him a pair of boxing gloves.

"You want me to box?" he asked incredulously.

"This is how I deal with it, Foggy. I punch stuff," Matt said, smirking as he held the bag.

"But you're hurt. We need to get you patched."

"Don't worry. It already stopped bleeding. But I promise I'll let Karen check it out later."

Foggy looked at the gloves then at Matt. He wouldn't lie and say there wasn't something thrilling about the idea of letting Matt teach him how to box. He felt like they had less and less in common since their college days. It was nice that he was willing to share this part of himself with Foggy, especially since it was so connected to his father.

He felt honored.

"Just try it, Fog. We'll do something else if you don't like it."

"Alright." Foggy put on the gloves, and hesitated before giving the bag a soft punch.

Matt chuckled. "Here." He walked to Foggy to adjust his posture and teach him how to throw a punch without hurting himself. "Imagine the face of someone you hate."

The second punch was filled with more confidence, and soon Foggy was putting his whole weight on each hit. He never thought he would like boxing, but there was something relaxing about it. And maybe, just maybe, he enjoyed Matt's instructions a bit too much.

He was so lost in their small dance that he didn't hear when Karen entered.

"Well, now that's something new." Foggy jumped, startled by Karen's sudden appearance. She was holding a bag of what he presumed were tacos, and smiling brightly at them.

Matt sniffed the air. "Hmm, Emilio's. I love those."

Karen chuckled and passed him a small brown paper bag. "I know. Two carnitas with green sauce."

"Thanks," Matt said, giving her one those grins that made Foggy eye roll at him and Karen blush.

"And three hot fish tacos."

"Thank you!" he said cheerfully, then added. "Way better than your coffee, too."

Karen hit his arm playfully before leaning against him to eat her own chicken tacos. "Eat before I drop you off the taco list too."

Later, when they were leaving, Matt turned to him to ask if he was up for a repeat next Tuesday. Foggy didn't hesitate to agree. He knew it didn't fix everything, this was just the first step of many. But for the first time in months Foggy felt like he could swim back to the surface.

**Author's Note:**

> NGL Writing Foggy being sad broke me a little, but I hope it was worth it and you all enjoy it. x)


End file.
